Will You Be Here When I Wake Up?
by Butterfly8272
Summary: Deeks finds himself in a difficult situation. Dark fic.
1. I'll See You Soon

**A/N: Story is set up a bit strange with flashbacks in Kensi Blye's point of view and the actual plot written in Marty Deeks'. Hope you enjoy. **

_She woke up to two eyes staring back at her, this was nothing unusual. There were some mornings that Marty Deeks could get in full mornings of surfing before she would even begin the dreaded process of removing herself from the comfort of the bed. What was unusual was the startlingly solemn expression on her partner's face when pried her eyes open at the sound of the alarm clock. Deeks lay stretched out beside her under the covers, his head resting on his hand as his elbow supported the weight. He had been patiently waiting for her to wake up because he knew better than to try and do so before she herself was ready. _

_ "Hi." Kensi stretched, offering him a rare morning smile. _

_ "Hi." He responded as he gently brushed the bangs from her eyes and lowered his head to give her a soft kiss, letting it deepen for a mere second before pulling away. She could not help but release a small groan at his tease as she longed for more. _

_ "Marry me." She was not sure she understood the words at first._

_ "What?" She asked. _

_ "Marry me." He repeated, this time slower. His eyes did not leave Kensi's as she analyzed what those words meant. She felt like a fish out of water as her mouth moved but no words came out. "You are everything to me. You are the first thing I think of when I wake in the morning and the last thing I think of when I fall asleep at night. You are the only person I will ever want or need. You make me feel anxious, safe, hopeless, courageous and all together freaked out every minute of every day. There is no question in my mind whether or not I want to spend the rest of my life with you. And I would like it very much if you, Kensi Marie Blye, would marry me." _

_He pulled out a ring from the pocket of his pajama pants and showed it to her. It was a simple ring by many people's standards but it was everything she wanted. A thin silver band adorned with a single cushion cut diamond set on it. It was beautiful, elegant and effortless. All Kensi could do was stare at it while her body continued to work through its shock. "Now would be a great time for you to say something." All confidence had left her partner's voice as he carefully waited for a reaction. _

"_I…" She began then had to stop and try again. "Yes." She finally breathed. She could not help but laugh at Deeks obvious relief at her answer or the tears that suddenly sprung up in the corner of her eye. "Yes Marty Deeks, I want nothing more than to marry you." _

It had been Granger that had sent him to the warehouse. He was the one that had found the intel and he was the one that had overstepped his authority by sending Deeks in to follow his lead. If only Granger had kept his business to himself and let Hetty do her job, he would not be in this situation. Or at least that is what Deeks tried to tell himself as he was violently thrown against the concrete floor. His latest undercover assignment had quickly gone sideways. Somebody had to be blamed for the situation he was in and there was no one better than Granger for the position.

"Get on your knees." A finely dressed man demanded as his henchmen pulled Deeks into a sitting position. They had used one of his own zip ties to bind his hands behind his back and so his range of motion was very limited. "Who do you work for?"

"Papa Kelsey's Pizza," Deeks said cheekily, an answer that earned him a fist to the gut.

"I asked who do you work for." Collgen was his interrogator's name, Trey Collgen. He was an ex-marine arms dealer that just recently earned his spot on many different federal agencies' radar when he began to supply a steady stream of artillery to Mexican drug cartels.

"We promise quick delivery or your money back." Deeks continued his method of avoidance. And the two men holding him still continued their own, but this time his jaw bone caught the punch.

_Weeks had passed since they had kissed, when they were on the ridge keeping an eye on Michelle and Sam. It had been weeks and neither one of them had ventured enough to mention it to the other. It was like the partners were testing one another, waiting for the other to give into the pressure caused by the really big elephant in the room. Kensi had gone on pretending that she barely remembered the whole event, but in reality it is all she thought about when she saw him. She thought about Deeks rough hands held her head so she had no choice but to look up at him but how gentle his lips were on hers. She thought about how sure of himself he looked, even afterward when she made her frazzled escape, like it was he had been planning it all along. And that was why she would not be the one to bring it up, he was the one who kissed her, he should clear the air. But as in Deeks fashion, he waited to do just that until she was least expecting it. _

_They had just finished a two-day long stake out surveying a murder suspect that had ended in a unexpected fire fight. Both were exhausted, worn and in need of showers. Deeks offered to walk his partner to her car as they both left the Mission and they filled the obvious void with useless conversation until they reached their designated vehicles. Kensi offered Deeks a hurried farewell before walking to the driver's side of her car. _

"_Hey Fern," Deeks called out before she could get in. _

"_Yeah?" She barely had enough time for the response before she found herself blocked between him and the car, his hands on either side of her head as he leaned toward her. He tilted his head so that his lips almost met hers, pausing as if taunting her and in that moment she was so tired of waiting. She filled the distance between them and crushed her lips to his. This time the kiss was not gentle or soft, it was desperate and hungry. Four years of tension and unanswered question ended right there in that moment as Deeks weaved his fingers through her tousled hair and Kensi's hands gripped his t-shirt in a act of desperation that surprised even her. Then as quickly as he had appeared, Deeks pulled away._

"_I just wanted to finish what I had started." He muttered. _

"_Your place or mine?" _

It took Deeks several moments to regain his bearings, the punch his captor had delivered had nearly knocked him unconscious. When his vision cleared he saw the cool and calm face of Collgen, waiting patiently for his hostage to recover.

"Just so you know, I've done this a time or two and your methods of extraction are rather weak." Deeks jibbed. "But you do whatever you are comfortable with, take your time."

"I know you are a federal agent." Collgen ignored him. "I would just like to know what agency has decided I would be worth investigating."

"I don't work for any federal agency." Deeks spat.

"Let's not continue the pizza charade, not many delivery men I know carry a Smith and Wesson. So who are you?"

"No one you need to worry about." Deeks continued to try and stall.

"That is exactly what I was thinking," Collgen sighed. "But I like to cover all my bases before being sure. For starters how is your partner, I know you agents are not a creature of solidarity." Deeks' mind wandered back to OSP at the man's words, to where his partner probably was now. Where ever she was, he hoped she was safe.

_She was struggling. Pain radiated from every part of her, a constant reminder of just how miserable this day had become. A shot to the torso and one to the leg left several gaping holes in her thin frame. But no matter how bad it got she refused to push the button to the morphine that would inevitably knock her out. She did not feel safe enough to be drugged. Even with an agent on guard outside of her door and at least one member of her team wandering nearby the hospital at any given time, she did not feel secure. She had not had such a luxury in weeks, since her partner had been pulled undercover once again by the LAPD and after today she was not sure she would ever feel protected again. Deeks had been gone for nearly two months and the team had yet to receive a single word about the liaison. That is until today when Hetty got news that the LAPD had lost all contact with Deeks-10 days ago. Kensi had tried not to show anything more than the concern a partner would have for their coworker but she had failed miserably, whatever relationship she and Deeks shared outside of the office had been kept between them. In reality she had been falling apart on the inside since the day Deeks left. She had never trusted the LAPD and their treatment toward the undercover detective, he was seen as an asset that would be useful until he was not. He was disposable to them. _

_ "Kens, are you awake?" Callen had quietly slipped into the room, something he had done every 30 minutes since she had been taken out of surgery. It was dark outside and the only light in the room was a small lamp on a table near her bed. _

_ "Yes." She mumbled, not looking away from the cup of jell-o she had fixated her gaze on, trying to distract herself from the pain. _

_ "There is someone here to visit you. Are you up for it?" Callen asked, his concern for her obvious. Visiting hours had long since ended and Kensi knew the only people who could have gotten past the notoriously strict head nurse at the desk outside would be someone with authority. _

_ "Tell Granger I will give him my report tomorrow." Kensi said. _

_ "Alright, and what should I tell Marty?" Callen asked. It took her a few moments to process his words and when she did she finally tore her eyes away from the green goo to see Marty Deeks enter the room. _

_ "Deeks?" Tears immediately sprang to her eyes when she saw her partner and her vision blurred. She could see enough to notice the dark circles under his eyes and his lengthy, unkempt hair. She watched him age ten years as he rubbed his hands over his face when he saw her, overwhelmed at how she looked. _

_ "Oh Kens." He groaned, quickly reaching her side. "I should have never left, Kensi. I am so sorry." He brushed the hair away from her eyes and leaned forward to place a kiss on her forehead. _

_ "Are you okay?" She asked, finding the strength and coordination to lift a hand to his whiskered face, needing physical touch to ensure that he was in fact in front of her. Deeks gave a small snort at her question. They did not notice their team leader slip back out of the room. _

_ "I am fine, much better than you seem to be." He said. She patted the spot beside her on the bed when he began looking for a chair to sit in. "Are you sure?" He asked, eyeing the number of wires and tubes that came from her. She nodded and he carefully lowered himself next to her. She tried to bite off the small whimper that came with the pain as her body jostled with the adjusting mattress. _

_ "Have you taken the pain killers?" Deeks asked concerned. _

_ "Not since the surgery." She said, laying her head against his shoulder. _

_ "Take the morphine, Kens. It will help you sleep." He said. _

_ "Will you be here when I wake up?" There was a long, painful pause before he responded. _

_ "Probably not," He finally murmured, tracing his fingers along the length of her arm. _

_ "Then I don't want it." She said stubbornly. _

_ "Whatever you say Princess," He whispered as he reached across her and pushed the button for her. _

"You are just a fountain of information." Collgen was beginning to lose his cool.

"My coworkers would describe me more of a nuisance." Deeks grunted as he received another sharp punch to the abdomen.

"You have nothing to offer me, therefore you are worthless to me." Collgen slowly pulled out a semi-automatic hand gun from the holster he carried on his hip and turned it around in his hands, as if to examine it very carefully. "And there is only one thing I do with things that are of no use." He straightened his arm to aim the weapon directly at Deeks' forehead. In a moment of stark clarity, Deeks knew that this had been his plan all along. From the very beginning Collgen had every intention of killing his hostage, someone who had seen and knew too much could not be allowed to leave alive.

"What are you going to do with that?" Deeks fought to keep his voice even, impassive.

"I think you can image what I will use this for." Collgen said as he carefully monitored the detective's reaction to this new threat. "But I am not so cold hearted as to just kill you, I like to allow the men that meet this fate one last opportunity to say goodbye to those they are about to leave behind."

"You're sick." Deeks spat, beginning to see the true malice that was in the man.

"I am merciful." He countered. "Bring me our guest's phone, let's see who the last person he ever wants to speak to is." The phone that was confiscated after Deeks was frisked upon capture lay on the floor beside him and a henchman handed it over to Collgen. He took his time locating whatever it was he was looking for in the phone, seemingly unhurried with whatever he had planned.

"Who is Fern?" He finally asked. "You have a number of calls going to and from that one person. An associate perhaps, she sounds like someone I would pay to make acquaintance with." Collgen jibbed. Deeks could not resist the impulse to fight against his restraints to lung toward the man, something that did not go unnoticed. "Hit a nerve did I. Let's call and find out just who this Fern is."

"Leave her out of this." Deeks growled as his carefully built reserve crumbled in an instant. Collgen ignored the demand and pulled a satellite phone from his back pocket, punching in the digits he found on the cell phone. He then turned it on to speaker and let the ring echo through the still warehouse. For the first time Deeks began to feel utter desperation at the situation. He had been almost okay with what was going to happen to him, however it might end, but now Kensi was being pulled into this. He silently prayed that the ring would end with a voicemail, the call going unanswered. But as was his obvious luck of the day, the ringing was interrupted with a female voice.

"Agent Blye." Kensi answered the same way she did all her calls. Deeks' heart jolted at the sound of her voice but he stood fast in remaining silent. "Hello?" A swift backhand across his cheek motivated him to change his mind.

"Kens." He rasped.

"Deeks? Deeks is that you?"

"Hey partner." Deeks kept a careful eye on the gun pointed straight at him while trying to focus on the voice coming from the phone.

"Where are you Deeks? Are you alright?"

"I've had better days." He said.

"What's wrong? Where are you? I swear, if you got yourself tangled up with another bimbo informant and need to be bailed out again…" Kensi was ranting while Deeks tried to intervene.

"I don't have much time Kenz…" He began but his words went unheard.

"…six more weeks without a single word from you-again- and now you call out of the blue…" She continued.

"Kensi listen to me." Deeks tried again, still with no success.

"…and here I am, trying to plan a wedding without the actual groom. Do you know what that makes me?"

"Kensi!" Deeks' voice rose, something that rarely ever happened especially toward his partner.

"What?"

"I don't have much time." He started, unsure where he was going to take it from there.

_ "Why are you awake?" Kensi demanded as she buried her head under the covers. _

_ "Because it's morning and society, along with Hetty, insists that we must wake up in the morning." Deeks chided. He climbed over to her side of the bed, easily maneuvering his legs to either side of her so that he was straddling her hips. _

_ "Screw society." Her voice was muffled by the duvet. _

_ "Anarchy, there is no better way to start the morning." He said. "Get up." _

_ "No." She said stubbornly, then threw the covers back from her face. "Do I smell bacon?" She questioned him. _

_ "I don't know. Do you?"_

_ "Why do I smell bacon?"_

_ "Because I cooked bacon and a few things to go along with it." _

_ "Strawberry waffles?" She said excitedly, suddenly seeing a viable reason to get out of bed. _

_ "Maybe," Deeks taunted, steeling another kiss. _

_ "How long have you been awake?" Kensi asked dubiously. _

_ "Longer than you." _

_ "Obviously," She snuck a kiss for herself then pushed the duvet off of her and clambered out of bed. "I'll brush my teeth really fast and meet you out there." _

_ "Hurry before I feed it all to Monty." He chided._

_ "You wouldn't dare." She hollered through a closed bathroom door. _

_ "That's what you think."_

"Tell me what is wrong Deeks. Whatever it is, we can fix it." She said.

"Not this time Fern." Deeks could not keep the sorrow out of his voice. Looking up at Collgen and the emotionless gaze he wore, he knew that this was very likely the last thing he would do on this earth. "I don't think I am going to come back from this one." Deeks had to shut his eyes against the words as he said them.

"What does that mean?" Kensi asked, alarmed. "This isn't funny Marty." He could hear Callen's voice in the background, asking Kensi what was happening.

"Listen to me." Deeks said. "I need you to not do anything rash or stupid and especially do not do anything on your own. Do _not _go ninja assassin on me Blye. Tell me you'll do that for me."

"What-"

"Promise."

"But-"

"Please promise me." Deeks hated that it came out as a plea. "Just promise."

_"I've got moves you have never seen." Deeks boasted as they argued the best way to go undercover on their latest case. Somehow the cover as professional dancers had come up as a suggestion. _

_ "I highly doubt that." Kensi scoffed and just as she turned to place a file on her desk, she was spun back around by her partner as he pulled her close against him. One hand held up hers while the other sat low at on her waist, he guided her in small circles between the desks, spinning them around and around in surprisingly poised steps. Just as she recovered from the shock, Deeks abruptly stopped and forced her into a graceful spin. He quickly pulled her back against him only to lean forward deeply, causing her to arch her back. Kensi felt her heart thump against her chest as she fought to maintain an even breath. Deeks cautiously looked from one side to the next before pressing his lips to hers in a gentle kiss. _

_ "Sneaky." She murmured against his lips. _

_ "I prefer stealthy." _

"I promise." Kensi finally surrendered. Deeks knew he had no right to demand that of her but it was the only way he was going to be able to continue saying what he needed to say.

"I want you to know how much I care for you Kensi Blye and that you mean everything to me. I am sorry I spent so much time without you. I don't know what I was waiting for; you were right in front of me the entire time." He took a deep breath before continuing, straining to keep his voice even.

"Time is running out." Collgen growled.

_They were standing next to the lockers in the Mission, holding off the moment when he would have to leave. Sam and Callen were at their desks trying to look busy but failing miserably. And the detectives and captain from the LAPD were standing nearby, impatiently waiting for the liaison to join them so that they could leave. _

_ "Come back as soon as you can." Kensi whispered and she longed to grasp his hand, just in any way touch him. "No cowboy heroics."_

_ "Yes ma'am." Deeks kept at straight face. _

_ "I'm serious Marty Deeks." _

_ "I know." He said. "One last case and then it is just you and me and the NCIS." He reminded her of his impending initiation as an official agent. _

_ "'Can't wait." She offered him a small smile at the reminder. _

_ "I'll see you soon." He surprised her by quickly leaning forward and planting a soft kiss on her cheek. "But not soon enough." _

"What is going on Deeks?" Kensi's voice broke.

"I got into a bit of trouble and I'm not going to be able to get out of it."

"Where are you? Just tell me where you are." She pleaded. "Sam and Callen are leaving right now. They will come and get you right now if you just tell me where you are."

"Tell them thank you for all they have done, seriously. I would not have made it so far without them having my back." Deeks said, ignoring the majority of her appeal. "And tell Hetty she did everything right, and this was in no way her fault."

"Deeks-"

_ The storm clouds had finally cleared just in time to reveal the final remaining rays of sun before it dipped beneath the horizon for the night, offering a spectacular sunset. They sat in the wet sand while Deeks threw a worn tennis ball toward the ocean so that Monty could chase after it. Kensi sat next to him, hugging his free arm and burying her cold face into his shoulder for warmth against the coastal chill. While he waited for the dog to return with the ball, he turned his full attention to her, his intense gaze making her a bit uneasy._

_ "What is it?" She asked, suddenly self-conscious. There was a moment of silence while he continued to stare at her._

_ "Nothing," He finally said, a smile playing on his lips. "I've just never felt happier than I am right now." And he placed a quick kiss on the tip of her red nose. _

"I love you so much." He said, no longer able to keep a tear from falling down his cheek.

"I love you too." Kensi sobbed.

"I'll see you soon." He said.

"But not soon enough." She was able to answer. A gun shot went off and Deeks fell to the ground.


	2. Keep Me Safe

_They were in the crowded night club, the Saturday night filling the place to capacity, and it reeked of the euphoric chaos and hopeless abandon from its patrons. Deeks felt suffocated as he inched through the hoard of people with only one thought in mind, get to the bar. His white shirt stuck to him almost immediately after he entered the club, perspiration was inevitable in the thick, warm air and he regretted his choice going with the collared shirt. But their target seemed to be targeting the wealthier clientele of the night life and both Hetty and Kensi had stated that the only way he was going to make his cover convincing was by wearing a dress shirt. _

_ "Quit fiddling." Kensi scorned him through his ear piece. Deeks guiltily lowered his hands from his shirt collar and looked around him. _

_ "Where are you? Have you made it to the bar yet?" He asked his partner, still scanning the crowd. _

_ "I'm to your left…other left." Kensi directed him until he finally spotted her at the bar, several yards away from where he stood, nursing a martini. From where he was he could easily watch as she set herself up as bait. Deeks took full advantage of the position, blatantly staring at the female agent that was adorned in a skimpy, loose top; tight black mini skirt and impressively high heels, mandated uniform for such situations as these. He knew he had seen her in some assortment of the costume countless times and each time he had appreciated the way she looked in them, any guy would. But for some reason tonight was different, he felt…more and no matter what he did he could not tear his eyes away from his partner._

_ "You're supposed to be the backup Deeks." Sam's voice intruded on his thoughts. "Not look like a jealous bystander. You're scaring away all the fish with that glare." Deeks had not even realized his expression had sunk into a scowl, and it was surprisingly hard to get rid of._

_ "No wait," Callen broke into the conversation. "Maybe that is just what we need, competition. Deeks, go and make a move on Kensi." He ordered through the earwigs. _

_ "Excuse me?" Kensi snapped, fighting to look unaffected by the conversation for the sake of those around her. But Deeks caught the sudden alarm that flashed across her face and she eyed her partner as he maneuvered his way toward her. _

_ "You need a little exposure to quicken things up," Callen explained from his perch on the balcony that overlooked the dance floor. "See if we can't turn this mid-20's, average height, average weight, white guy a little green." He did not try to disguise the frustration he felt about the few vague details they had on the suspect they had to go on. _

_ "Are you a parking ticket? Because you have got fine written all over you." Deeks pushed his way next to Kensi, not wasting any time with his new instructions. Kensi barked at the corny line he offered before he even finished. _

_ "Is that really how you convince girls to leave with you?" She demanded skeptically._

_ "Of course not." _

_ "Then how?" Kensi asked, her voice said she was goading him but her eyes said she was genuinely curious and Deeks found himself debating how far he should take the dare she had just offered him. _

_ "Let me show you." He offered her a hand and after only a moment of hesitation she took it and allowed him to lead her toward the dance floor. _

Kensi was going through the motions. Wake up, get ready, go to work, find the bad guy, go home, feed the dog, go to bed, repeat. It was the same thing, day in and day out. It had been like this for the last six weeks and she did not foresee it changing anytime soon, as long as he was still away. One year ago, Kensi would have balked at the thought of her life being spun out of orbit without the presence of one person, especially a man. But she seemed to be physically incapable of responding in any other manner. Without Marty Deeks she did not function, could not function. It was like he was the gravity that held it all together, the indisputable force that should never be altered.

The routine was no different today as she walked through the door of the Mission, paying no attention to any of her surroundings. If she had, she would have noticed LAPD Lieutenant Bates standing next to Hetty's desk, looking rather grim. Or the somewhat frantic way Eric was moving around. But neither of these anomalies registered to Kensi as she sat at her desk and immediately settled into to a long day of playing catch up with her neglected paper work. It was Callen who finally brought the oddities of the morning to her attention as he joined her at the desk.

"What is going on?" He asked, carefully eyeing the LAPD officer as he followed their petite boss up the stairs. His relationship with the city's police force had been far from fortified since Deeks joined the team as Liason between the two departments, if anything he had even less trust in the 'boys in blue'.

"Just what it looks like, pencil pushing." Kensi did not take her concentration away from her work as she offered him a sarcastic response.

"Not you." He said. "Why is Lieutenant Bates here?" That caught her attention.

"What?" She whipped her head around. "Where?"

"He just went upstairs with Hetty." He had not even finished his sentence before Kensi was on her feet and rushing toward the staircase. The last time she had seen Bates was when he transported Deeks from the Mission for his latest undercover assignment, she had heard nothing since then, from the lieutenant or her partner. "Where are you going?" Callen called after her.

"Hetty," Kensi took the stairs two at a time as she chased after the pair.

"What can I do for you Agent Blye?" The smaller woman did not seem surprised by the agent's interest in her guest.

"What is Lieutenant Bates doing here?" Kensi did not bother with an pleasantries.

"I will tell when I find out myself." Hetty said patiently, walking into the dim lit room of Eric and Nell's lair.

"What's going on Lieutenant?" Kensi finally acknowledged the man when she could get no answerers from anywhere else.

"As I was saying," Bates barely glanced over at her. "Granger seems to have run out of ideas and it has been nearly a week since we were last in contact with Detective Deeks."

"A week?" Kensi snapped. "How does that happen?"

"I am sure you are aware of the risks any undercover mission has." Bates said evenly. "This is not the first time we have dealt with Detective Deeks and his inconsistency with communication."

_Something had woken Deeks up, not hard to do considering how light of a sleeper he was, but it took him a moment to realize what had brought him back to consciousness. Everything in the dark bedroom was still and quiet and so he waited, then he heard it, a painful moan next to him. He looked over at the sleeping Kensi sharing his bed. Usually she barely stirred in a slumber that could compete with the dead but tonight she was anything but peaceful. Her entire frame seemed to shake as she began to fight with the covers that lay over her and she was soaked from head to toe in cold sweat. _

_ "Kensi?" He tried to get her attention. "Kensi what's wrong?" After he received no response he gently shook her shoulder, something that immediately came with a reaction. Kensi released a shrill scream at the contact and began to wave her arms around violently, barely missing contact with Deeks nose. Without thinking, he slid one arm underneath her and pulled her into a tight embrace against him. She continued to fight his grip as she remained in the horrors of her nightmare. _

_ "You're safe." Deeks repeatedly told her as he continued to hold her to him. "Nothing is going to happen to you here. You're safe baby." After several minutes she seemed to respond to his voice and began to relax against him. He stroked the back of her hair soothingly, letting the repetitive motion lull her back to sleep as he kept whispering gently in her ear. It was not the first time that she had had a night terror since they started sharing a bed and Deeks had learned quickly how to handle them when they came. Kensi would remember nothing in the morning and he would not tell her about it, living through it once seemed bad enough. _

"What are you doing about it?" Kensi demanded. Callen and Sam had joined them in the comm center but said nothing as they observed the group in front of them.

"We have people on it, but right now there is not much we can do." Bates said truthfully.

"What about Granger? What is he doing?" Kensi heard her phone ring in her back pocket as she interrogated Bates but decided to ignore it.

"I have yet to hear back from him. Apparently none of you people are good at the whole communication thing." Bates said.

"Are you going to answer that Agent Blye?" Hetty asked when Kensi's phone continued to ring. Kensi fought the urge to glare at her superior and impatiently answered the call.

"Agent Blye." She said into the phone. There was no response on the other end. "Hello?" She heard a strange noise, like a loud snap, then the voice she had waited to hear for weeks now.

"Kens." Martin Deeks voice echoed through her ear and reverberated around her skull for a while.

"Deeks?" Everyone's attention was immediately on her after she muttered the name. "Deeks is that you?"

"Hey partner." Were the only words he offered.

_Deeks held open the door as Kensi slipped in past him and a blast of cold air from the restaurant's air conditioning immediately gave them reprieve from the stifling evening heat. A sour faced hostess met them as they walked in, offering them only the briefest of welcomes. _

_ "Just two tonight?" She asked the pair. _

_ "Yep." Deeks answered, unwilling to let an off-putting encounter with the hostess ruin the mood he was in. This was the first time he and Kensi had been able to get away together in several months and he intended to make the most of it before something else would get in the way. _

_ "We have a table available right now if you would like to follow me." Kensi slid her small hand in his as their hostess led them toward the back of the upscale restaurant. The place seemed fairly busy for a Wednesday night and Deeks was silently grateful they were able to be seated so quickly. They had just been shown to the dimly lit corner where a table set for two sat when they were intercepted by a man Deeks had never seen before. He immediately tensed at the intrusion and pulled at Kensi's arm until she was standing slightly behind him. _

_ "Joshua?" Kensi's voice surprised Deeks as she clearly recognized the stranger. _

_ "Hello Kensi Blye." The man said, a small smile playing at the corner of his lips. _

_ "What are you doing here, in LA?" _

_ "Work." The man, Joshua said. "I work in the private sector now, I have a wealthier client that travels here on a regular basis for business." _

_ "That's great…"Kensi offered. _

_ "And you are..?" Joshua turned his attention to Deeks and he got a bit of smug satisfaction when he noticed that the man had to look up slightly just to meet his eyes. _

_ "Her partner," Deeks clipped. He knew that he already carried a bias against the man just for being his girlfriend's ex but he really did not like they guy and did not want to waste any more of the precious time he had with Kensi on him. _

_ "Police force?" Joshua asked, looking at Kensi for answers. _

_ "Federal agents." Kensi said. "This is Marty Deeks, my boyfriend." _

_ "Mixing business with pleasure, you've never been a risk taker Kens." The comment seemed too close to flirting for Deeks comfort and he intentionally reached for a chair at their table to pull out for his date. _

_ "It was nice meeting you Joshua, Kensi and I have plans we would like to get back to." He was a bit stunned when Kensi easily followed his lead by sliding into the chair. _

_ "It really was nice seeing you Joshua." She said. _

_ "Yeah you too," There was a moment of uncomfortable silence when he continued to stand in front of them until he seemed to realize that she was excusing him. "I'll see you around then." Deeks watched him walk back toward his table before he turned back to his partner. _

_ "Are you alright?" He asked, reaching across the table to gently take her hand. _

_ "I'm…perfect." She whispered and Deeks believed her. _

"Where are you Deeks? Are you alright?" She asked, desperate for answers.

"I've had better days." He said.

"What's wrong? Where are you? I swear, if you got yourself tangled up with another bimbo informant and need to be bailed out again because that barely worked the last time." All the frustration she had been harboring the last month came out in an uncontrollable mess of words. She could barely hear Deeks try to speak over her as she continued her tirade as if he said nothing. "Six more weeks without a single word from you—again. And now you call out of the blue."

"What is he saying?" Bates demanded, growing impatient by the agent's line of questioning.

"Kensi listen to me." His words finally began to get through to her.

"And here I am, trying to plan a wedding without the actual groom. Do you know what that makes me?"

"Kensi!" Deek's voice shocked her into silence, never once had he risen his voice toward her.

"What?"

"I don't have much time." A sick feeling began to settle in the pit of her stomach at his words.

"Tell me what is wrong Deeks." She demanded. "Whatever it is, we can fix it." She said.

_"But you just got back. What could they possibly have for you so soon?" Kensi pouted as Deeks disappeared into the closet again to retrieve several clean shirts to throw into the duffle bag he already had out. Next came a pair of well worn blue jeans and a tattered ball cap that he only wore on certain occasions, all of these things were thrown haphazardly into the waiting bag before he went about finding clean socks. _

_ "I just got the call from Lieutenant Bates an hour ago and he didn't give me much to go on, just that I was headed back undercover." He told her. "All I know is that he is meeting me at the Mission tomorrow morning, which means it's likely a joint task force." Deeks was surprised to find Kensi neatly folding the garments of clothing into his bag when he turned his attention back to it. If there was one thing his partner was not, it was orderly, at least in the domestic sense. He understood the act to be a display of affection from her. That she would do something so menial that she would never do for herself but would take the time to do for him. He felt the same rush of regret that he felt every time he had to leave like this. Deeks stopped doing what he was doing to sit on the bed next to her and take the t-shirt she was folding away from her. _

_ "You know I will be back as soon as I can." He said, placing a hand on cheek so she met his eyes. _

_ "Yes." She whispered. He reached into his back pocket and pulled out a folded piece of paper that had seen better days. "What is this?" She asked when he handed it to her. _

_ "It is my official request to become a full-fledged NCIS agent. I'm quitting the LAPD." _

_ "Really?" The grin that she wore told him everything he needed to know. _

_ "After this case it is just you, me and the NCIS." He told her. She launched herself into his arms as he said it , knocking him onto his back and pinning him against the mattress. He laughed at her show of approval until he was hushed as her lips crashed against his. _

"Not this time Fern. I don't think I am going to come back from this one."

"What does that mean?" She felt bile and panic begin to rise in her throat. "This isn't funny Marty."

"What is it Kensi? What's he saying?" Callen demanded as he stepped toward her, she could do little more than shake her head, unable to put together the words. "Eric, run a trace on this call."

"Listen to me. I need you to no do anything rash or stupid and especially do no do anything on your own. Do _not _go ninja assassin on me Blye." His voice was becoming strained as he spoke. "Tell me you'll do that for me."

"What—" Kensi could not comprehend was she was hearing.

"Promise."

"But—"

"Please promise me. Just promise." The fear in his voice was unlike anything she heard from him. Callen finally grabbed the phone from her and turned it onto speaker so the room could hear the missing part of the conversation.

"I promise." Kensi was able to utter the requested words.

_"It's late." Deeks mumbled as the movie ended and the credits rolled up the screen. He and Kensi were buried underneath several layers of quilts and blankets as they lay across the couch, Kensi fitting perfectly against him. It had rained all day and in upholding tradition, Kensi picked a horror movie to watch while it stormed into the night. Usually she picked ones that ended up being more of an accidental comedy for them than a scare but tonight's film had actually managed to get a few jumps out of both of them which did not happen often. "Let's move this to the bedroom." He playfully said. _

_ "I'm fine here." Kensi said, her head barely poking out from under the weighted fabrics over top of her. _

_ "Just a minute ago you were complaining I was taking up too much space." _

_ "I changed my mind, it's rather comfortable here." She tried to convince. _

_ "I see what this is." Deeks goaded. "Kensi Blye is scared." _

_ "Not true." She immediately argued. _

_ "Alright, then you will have no problem leading the way to the bed." He challenged. Deeks felt sure that she would take him up on the dare but was surprised when she did not move. _

_ "How about I just follow you." She caved, sitting up to let him off of the couch. _

_ "I never thought I would see this day." He could not help but grin at the idea of a movie scaring the tough and adrenaline fueled Agent Blye. He thought of all of the ways he could take advantage of this moment but could only come up with one appropriate response. "Don't worry, I will protect you princess." The words earned him a hard slap against his back as he led her down the hall, toward the back bedroom. He made sure to make her jump as they entered the room, making an inhuman noise that earned a high pitched shriek from her and another slap. When they were close enough she leapt for the bed, diving underneath the covers until she was adequately sheltered from whatever imaginary thing may be lurking in the corners. After bravely completing his nightly routine of teeth brushing and changing into bedtime attire, Deeks joined her where she immediately slid up next to him and buried her cold nose into his neck. _

_ "Keep me safe." She softly commanded. _

_ "Always Fern."_

The next words she heard Deeks say nearly knocked the breath out of her. "I want you to know how much I care for you Kensi Blye and that you mean everything to me. I am sorry I spent so much time without you. I don't know what I was waiting for; you were right in front of me the entire time."

"Time is running out." An unfamiliar voice intruded on their conversation and all of the sudden every horrible scenario that had been running through Kensi's head became very real.

_"I love you." Deeks said all at once, surprising himself with the words just as much as the intended recipient. They had just completed a huge raid on the estate of a leading member of the drug cartel just outside of LA. There had been many bullets exchanged from both sides and casualties came with them. Deeks had watched as Kensi barely dodged one herself and he felt for sure in that moment the world had stopped._

_ "What did you just say." She said, tearing her attention from the truck they were loading the equipment after the dust had cleared and all those who needed to be were securely handcuffed._

_ "I love you." He said loud enough for only her to hear. Deeks was suddenly aware that he had not planned anything beyond this point, he had not even tried to predict her reaction to such a declaration and became very nervous. He then tried to gauge her reaction but so far her expression remained blank and unreadable. Then suddenly, after glancing around in all directions, she raised up on tip toe and placed a soft kiss on his cheek. _

_ "For later." She whispered in his ear. _

"Where is he Eric?" Hetty demanded as she too realized the gravity of the situation.

"I'm working on it, the signal is bouncing off every satellite possible."

"What is going on Deeks?" Kensi could not longer hold back the tears that came with the dread and fear that controlled her now. Her partner was in jeopardy and Kensi had no way to get to him.

"I got into a bit of trouble and I'm not going to be able to get out of it." He said.

"Where are you?" Her whole body shook as she began to plead. " Just tell me where you are. Sam and Callen can leave right now. They will come and get you right now if you just tell me where you are."

"Tell them thank you for all they have done, I'm serious. I would not have made it so far without them having my back." Sam covered his face with both of his hands at Deeks words and Callen's shoulders sagged as if they were suddenly too heavy to support. "And tell Hetty she did everything right, and this was in no way her fault."

_"What about this one?" Kensi pointed to an ad in the newspaper spread out in front of her on the kitchen countertop. She had spent most of the last hour studying the real estate ads, looking for the perfect place. _

_ "It only has two bedrooms." Deeks commented as he wrapped an arm around her waist and looked over her shoulder to see what she was pointing at. _

_ "Why in the world would we need more than two bedrooms?" She scoffed as she circled the advertisement. _

_ "You never know." Deeks kissed the side of her neck, trailing up to her ear which she immediately responded to by tilting her head. _

_ "How many bedrooms do you think we need Detective Deeks?" _

_ "At least three." He easily answered as he moved onto the other side of her neck. _

_ "I could probably live with three bedrooms." She sighed happily. _

"Deeks—" She could barely get the name out before her voice broke.

"I love you so much." He said, his voice also heavy with emotion.

"I love you too." She openly sobbed.

"I'll see you soon."

"But not soon enough." She chocked out before the sound of a shot gun cut off anymore communication and she let the phone fall out of her limp fingers.


	3. You Were Loved and Cherished

Special Agent Kensi Blye does not remember how she got into the back of Callen's truck, or how long she was in it or even where it was that it took her too. All she knows is that eventually they stop and she knows she has to get out. Special Agent Blye knows that she must get to her partner as soon as possible because he was in danger and alone, two things her partner should never be. Callen and Sam were the first two exit the vehicle and they quickly navigated the landscape of an abandoned warehouse, looking for anyway to get into the large structure.

"This is where Eric tracked the phone's signal." Callen assured his partner as they continued to search.

"Spread out." Sam advised them, drawing his gun when he moved away from them. He signaled for the S.W.A.T team behind them to fan out and they silently followed his lead. There were several minutes of tense stillness and the only thing that went through Kensi's brain was the sound of a gunshot coming from the other end of the phone line. It rang in her brain over and over again until it was one continuous noise that kept every other intelligible thought at bay. All she could do is mechanically fall back on her instincts and let them lead her through the actions required of her.

"East side of the building." Callen's voice muttered through the earpiece she wore and the entire S.W.A.T. team marched as directed, executing the raid with perfect precision. Kensi followed behind, branching off on her own to clear a small office that sat in a far corner of the warehouse. She leveled her firearm and allowed adrenaline to fuel her actions. While she checked every nook and cranny of the dusty room, she heard several gunshots go off and an exchange of shouts from her LAPD counterparts. She instinctively found cover until she felt confident enough to step out and provide backup for whatever was happening in the rest of the building. It was not long before the suspects were overpowered and taken into custody.

"We have five males detained, two are injured. We're going to need an ambulance here." The team commander reported, several minutes after the gunfire stopped. "Otherwise it's all clear."

"What about Detective Deeks?" She asked, navigating her way through the building, desperately searching.

"Kensi…" The remorse in Callen's voice was enough to knock the wind out of her. What had they found? Where was her partner? She did not have to wait long before her questions were answered.

Special Agent Kensi Blye was not one for hysterics but when she saw the long, lanky form layed out on the floor topped with blond, unkempt hair and the red red stain of blood all around it, she could not help the way she reacted. She dropped the handgun she carried on the ground, wanting nothing to impend her from reaching her partner. But there are some things that cannot be helped. Before she could reach him, the overpowering form of Sam Hanna blocked her way. He grabbed her around her waist, turning her away from the scene that unveiled itself in front of them, literally lifting her off of the ground so that she could not immediately fight against him. Agent Blye was not one for hysterics but there were times when there was no other way to respond.

"Let go of me Sam." She cried flailing her arms and legs in front of her. "Let go!"

" No Kensi," He spoke softly in her ear. "You don't need to see that."

"Yes I do! Let go of me!" Kensi's voice rose as her movements became more violent and frantic. She thought of nothing else but to get away from Sam's grip until Callen came into her line of vision. He bravely stepped in front of her and caught both of her arms, holding them tightly between them until she had no choice but to stop struggling. "I need to be with him." Her voice cracked, suddenly sounding like a small, vulnerable child.

"Not right now." Callen said gently, releasing his hold on her arms. "There is nothing you can do for him." Kensi felt like she was going to be sick, as if her body wanted to physically reject the words that had just been said.

"He's…he's…" She could string the words together to ask the question she already knew the answer to.

"He's gone Kensi." Callen said, lifting a hand to her cheek. "Deeks is dead."

"How?" She choked on the tears that had begun to fall.

"A shot to his chest, he would have died almost immediately." Callen managed to keep his voice even.

"He was alone." Kensi mumbled. "I wasn't there for him and he was all alone."

"This isn't your fault Kens." Sam spoke up. "Deeks was doing his job."

"Alone." She ignored his words as she continued to mutter to herself until her body violently caved and she knew she was going to be sick. She tore herself away from the pair of arms that still held her, meeting no resistance this time, and sprinted toward an open door. She fell to her knees just outside of the dimly lit depot and emptied the contents of her stomach on the ground. All control was taken from her as her whole body shook with each heave. Eventually she was able find her footing long enough to move several steps away from the mess and collapse once more. This time she did not bother to try and move she could stay here forever for all she cared; there was nowhere else to be. Some part of her was aware of her surroundings, the arrival of ambulances and more officers of the LAPD. Kensi did not realize how cold she had become until someone placed a thick blanket around her shoulders. When several hands lifted her back on her feet, she knew to step one foot in front of the other until she was sitting again, probably on the back of one of the ambulances.

"She's in shock." Someone reported.

"How long has she been like this?" Another asked.

"Over an hour."

"We need her statement on what happened before they found the body." The words stuck enough for her to comprehend them before they went through one ear and out the other. _Before the found the body_. That was what he was now, just a body.

"Don't say that." Kensi's voice startled the paramedic and LAPD officer that had been conversing in front of her.

"What was that?" The officer asked.

"He's not a body." She said carefully. "He is Detective Marty Deeks, liaison at NCIS for the LAPD. He is not a body."

"I am sorry ma'am." The young officer said. "I just need your statement about what happened before you found the – Detective Deeks." Kensi was ready to slip back into her universe of ignorance, leaving the intolerant officer's questions unanswered until they were joined by Assistant Director Granger.

"She will not be giving you a statement." He told the man without any introduction. "She is with NCIS." He said it as if that was all the explanation the officer would need.

"But—"

"Leave." Granger interrupted anymore argument, the single word said with such command that the other man had no choice but to do as he said.

"Agent Blye, I am sorry for the loss of your partner." Granger turned his attention to Kensi. "I know that you and Detective Deeks got along well." Kensi felt anger begin to rise at the Assistant Director's words.

"He was here because of you." She breathed, her vision came into focus as the fog cleared from her thoughts.

"Excuse me?"

"He was here without backup because of you." She said a bit louder.

"I think you should remember who it is you are talking to Agent Blye." Granger said, his own anger clearly rising.

"He was put at risk because of you." She continued, ignoring his warning. "He died here, alone, because of you." Her voice had risen to a shout so that everyone in near proximity could hear her words.

"Stand down Agent." He articulated each word.

"You sent him on a suicide mission. On what, a hunch?" She hollered. "It was no secret you hated him. Did you think was the most disposable, someone you could do without if the worst was to happen?"

"I'm putting you on suspension." He said. "You have stepped out of line agent."

"You will do no such thing." Hetty's voice surprised both of them. She stepped from behind Granger to reveal herself.

"You have no say in this Hetty." Granger spat.

"Agent Blye is under my supervision and say when and when she is not allowed at work." Hetty held her ground. "She will becoming with me to the Boat Shed where she will be debriefed on the case Detective Deeks was working on and where she will give her official statement." She motioned to Callen and Sam to come forward and together they escorted their shaken teammate back toward the truck. Hetty boldly ignored any opposition the director had to her plan and found her way to her own car to follow her agents.

When the car stopped it was no at the Boat Shed like Hetty had said, but back at the Mission. "I thought we were going to the docks?" Kensi asked.

"Hetty thought a drive in LA traffic would do Granger some good while we regrouped here." Callen explained while Sam opened the door for Kensi and helped her out of the truck. Kensi was sure she would have found the statement funny at any other time than right then, instead just followed closely behind the two men into the familiar surroundings of the Mission. As soon as they entered the open common area, Kensi could feel the solemn atmosphere all around them. She saw tearful and somber employees everywhere she looked and for some reason that bothered her. When she saw Eric at the top of the stairs, tightly holding a tearful Nell against him, she had enough. Kensi wanted to be anywhere but there, the feeling was overwhelming but so was the exhaustion that took over everyone of her limbs. Instead of leaving, she collapsed on the couch burying her head in the collection of pillows gathered there and allowed her tired eyes to close and her tired mind to wonder to her universe of ignorance and quiet.

Special Agent Kensi Blye was not one to evade a problem, to allow herself to completely ignore the situation and move on from the problem. But there were times when she could do nothing else. This was one of those times, when Kensi woke up alone to a dimly lit Mission, she knew that was exactly what she had done. And for moment she could not remember why she would do something like that, she only remembered the desperate need to separate herself from everything else. Then the events of the day came rushing back to her like a load of bricks and once more the air was knocked out of her lungs to the point that she could not catch her breath for several minutes. When she was finally able to compose herself somewhat, Kensi noticed the small outline of standing in the shadows watching over her.

"Hetty?" Kensi croaked and the petite woman stepped forward to where she could be seen.

"Yes dear?" She said, taking slow steps toward the agent.

"I don't know what to do."

"About what dear?"

"I'm forgetting him." Kensi panicked. "I don't remember what the last thing was that I said to him before he left."

"It is nothing to be alarmed about." Hetty assured her as she sat next to her on the sofa. "It is your mind's way of dealing with such a loss, it will all come back to you in time."

"I want to remember everything." Her voice broke.

"Would you like me to remind you of the last time you two stood in this room together?"

"Please."

"You were both standing over there," Hetty pointed toward the lockers. "Trying to look casual but you should know you were fooling no one. He leaned over and said something to you that made you smile they way only he could make you smile." Kensi closed her eyes as she let the memory unfold in her mind.

"_One last case and then it is just you and me and the NCIS." He reminded her of his impending initiation as an official agent. _

_ "'Can't wait." She offered him a small smile at the reminder. _

_ "I'll see you soon." He surprised her by quickly leaning forward and planting a soft kiss on her cheek. "But not soon enough." _

"If there is one thing you must remember Kensi Blye, it is that you were loved and cherished beyond all doubt and so was he in return." Hetty gently said as she led Kensi's head down to her lap where she tenderly stroked the younger woman's hair.

Special Agent Kensi Blye was not one to evade a situation, to ignore the headache and heartbreak. But there were some situations, she came to learn, that you have no choice in as was such was the case when overpowering sobs shook her entire frame, as endless tears stained the pants that belonged to the woman she thought of as a surrogate mother and she wept for the one that meant the most to her, that she could never feel again. Love is not fully felt until it is lost.

**A/N: I apologize to anyone I may have traumatized with this story. I love love love Deeks and would never wish any sort of harm to come to him. Thank you so much for the feedback and following this story despite the depression that may come with it ****, it means the world to me. **


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